


Sex Aversion

by waterbird13



Series: Tumblr Fics [405]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Sex Aversion, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 22:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10228595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterbird13/pseuds/waterbird13
Summary: Sam reflects on his sex aversion.





	

Dean leaves the bar with the girl he picked out for Sam, giving Sam one final shrug and a look that says  _Your loss_.

Sam shrugs and sips his beer. He doesn’t feel too much of a loss, exactly.

He supposes that Dean pushing him at girls again is a good thing, that it means they’re back to some sort of equilibrium, that it’s Dean once more trying the “good big brother” stuff. And it maybe even would be nice, if Sam wanted…well, any of it.

Not that the woman Dean picked tonight wasn’t attractive. She was. Gorgeous, actually. And Sam has long since stopped going over to talk to them–it only encourages Dean and gives the woman the wrong idea–but Dean had been laughing at something she said, so he bets she’s funny, too. Nice, even. Smart, probably.

None of that makes Sam want to sleep with her.

Or anyone, really. Not anymore. The thought of it makes his skin crawl, his stomach turn, his hands begin to shake.

He doesn’t even really like people touching him anymore. The closest he gets is the occasional pats on the back from Dean, Jody’s hugs, getting stitched up, and getting attacked. Anything else is too much. Some days, even that is too much.

Some days, sex–or, at least, getting off–sounds like a nice idea, and he’ll consider the women Dean points out, but only for a moment, because then all the symptoms of repulsion set in. He doesn’t want them touching him. He doesn’t want hands on him, he doesn’t want anyone that close. Not anymore, never again. Not after…not after everything that happened.

Jerking off in the shower works perfectly well, anyways.

He sometimes thinks it’s stupid, because what happened to him doesn’t have much of anything to do with sex, and why he has such a big problem with this is sometimes beyond his reach to illuminate on. But then he figures, it’s not like it’s hurting him, or anyone else. People survive just fine without sex. If avoiding sex for the rest of forever keeps the sweating, shaking, nausea at bay, then it’s worth it. Even if Dean gives him that look that tells Sam that he thinks he’s being stupid.

He finishes his beer and goes back to the motel room, walking through the brisk night air. Once he gets there, he shuts himself inside, changes for bed, and pulls out a book.

He briefly imagines what Dean is doing right then before quashing that thought. He doesn’t need to think about that.

His book is good, and keeps his attention until he decides to go to sleep. 

Dean stumbles in a couple hours later, grinning. “Man, Sammy,” he says when he notices Sam peering over at him. “Missed out on one hell of a night.”

Sam nods and turns over, going back to sleep. He may have missed some fun, he may have spent the night alone, but…at least he felt safe. And, these days, that’s all he can ask for.


End file.
